Lately I’ve been feeling pulled into the energy of love.

Not the warm and fuzzy “we are all one” kind of love, but the romantic kind. The scary kind. The kind that I believed up until VERY recently I was never meant to have.

Love is something I generally do not spend a lot of time thinking about. Because like I said, up until only a couple of months ago I was convinced it was not in the cards for me. I don’t meditate about it, I don’t pray for it. I don’t daydream about it or wish for it. My attitude has been – it’s not going to happen, but if it does, it will have to happen on its own.

Then a few months ago a friend told me that I was looking for “on the couch” love. The kind of love that is present. Where your partner is in the trenches with you. Flopping down on the couch next to you when you FINALLY get the kids to sleep. Sitting next to you on the couch when you get the best news ever and the worst news ever. Falling asleep on the couch with you as you try to binge watch all of House of Cards in one night because you forgot you were old.

You want someone who will be right there with you through everything. You’ve never had that, but that’s what you’re looking for now. she said.

I said – I’m not looking for anything at all.

Oh yes you are, she said. You’re just doing it wrong.

She said my approach to finding love is the equivalent of sitting in a coffee shop, ordering nothing, and looking around getting frustrated because everyone else is getting coffee and WHERE IS MINE?

Are you asking? She asked me. Are you specifying? Or are you sitting there asking for “just coffee” when what you really want is a grande venti extra hot no whip half sweet macchiato?

You gotta articulate, she said. Write it down, meditate on it, and manifest it.

We left it at that and I moved on with my life. Then all of a sudden, one day last week something shifted.

I’m generally not super in tune with my chakras but I felt my heart chakra crack right open. All of a sudden there was this…expanse in me that I just know is meant to be filled with love. It’s not a feeling of lack, so much as a feeling of a resevoir of love to give.

I’ve been trying to ignore it. I’m not ready, I tell myself. I need to focus.  I have important things that need my attention and starting to fart around with love will only distract me. When things settle down maybe I’ll start to make a list of what I’m looking for but for now. I don’t want anything to get in the way of what I’m trying to accomplish.

But then, quiet as a church mouse, a voice inside me whispered – but what if love helped you do what you’re trying to do. What if love wasn’t an anchor weighing you down but the wings that help you soar?

And so dammit all to hell I’m making the list. I’ve started jotting down the qualities that my ideal partner has, just in case I do decide that the time is right to manifest him. But I’m not happy about it.

Who feels me on this? Ever had a war between what your head is telling you and what your inner light is telling you, even though you know your inner light is always right? Who else is out there manifesting a perfect partner? Share your list and I’ll share mine!