From So-so to OMG – 3 Tips to Transform Your Life

From So-so to OMG – 3 Tips to Transform Your Life

Ten years ago this was my life: I woke up every morning and went to work at my so-so job. Then I would hang out with friends that were mostly okay but kinda sometimes not, then I would go home to my so-so apartment and watch tv, and then I would go to bed and then wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

And sometimes I would look around and ask myself – is this life? Is this really it?

But I was like – no I know this isn’t all there is. I know somehow I’m going to find a job that I really love, and have a family, and fall in love with a guy who is perfect for me, and I just have to wait for – something. Some kind of magic thing that would happen that would transport me from my so-so life to the life full of happiness and love I’m supposed to have.

Is this you? Does this sound familiar? Because if it does, stay with me because I have figured out what the magic thing is.

It took me basically having the walls of my life come crashing down to learn the secret of how to get from the pretty okay life that I was just passing time in to the badass love-filled life I wanted to live.

And because I don’t want you guys to have to go through that, I’m going to share that secret with you…

It’s you.

The magical thing that happens that really isn’t magic at all – it’s you.
Everything you need to go from your okay life that sometimes has happy moments to a big beautiful life that lights you up is in you.

It’s your mindset.
It’s your intentions.
It’s what’s in your heart.
It’s how you look at things;
how you react when bad things happen.
What you envision for your life and how you take action to get there.

You have everything you need to re-imagine your life within you right now. And I want to help you learn to use it.

It is entirely possible for you to start living a life filled with love and peace and joy – and you don’t need a radical change in your circumstances to make it happen. It’s within your grasp right to to centre your life around your values, to be dazzlingly loving and mind-blowingly real.

You can live a life where you don’t wonder anymore whether you’re making the right decision about anything, don’t allow people to pressure you into doing shit you don’t want to do, you don’t swallow your feelings or hold your tongue when people say or do things that hurt your.

You can – and you were born to – live a life of freedom.

So I’m going to give you three tips that you can start doing right now to harness the power of your heart to transform your experience of your life.

Are you ready?

Step one: Know that you are okay.

Right now, exactly as you are. You are okay. No – fuck that, you are better than okay, you’re a fucking masterpiece. Everything you are, everything you’ve done, everything you’ve been through is all by design to create the beautiful gift of YOU. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing you have to change or fix about yourself to earn the life of peace, happiness, and love you wish for.

So the first step is to accept that. No – really­  accept and believe that you are a magical divine being just as you are, right in this moment. The way you look, the way you react, the feelings you feel – they’re all right and real and valid and you are entitled to them. You need to really believe that and accept that and stop waiting to do something or have something or accomplish something before you give yourself permission to have what you want. You are okay, right now.

Step two: Surrender to a higher power.

Now before you reach for the close button or roll your eyes because this is getting to airy-fairy for you, just listen.

Once you accept that you are a divine being and that everything that has happened in your life was to craft you as a divine gift to the world, you have to accept that there is a higher being doing the crafting, right?

Now whether you want to call that divine being God or the Universe or Buddha or your higher self or my Aunt Sally is up to you, but you must accept that there is divine energy that loves you unconditionally and that is working for your highest good.

And then all you have to do is submit to it. Surrender to it. Accept that the things that happen in your life – the friends you might lose, the jobs you don’t get, the relationships that end – even the bus that you miss when you’re running late for work – are all working for your highest good. And you just have to surrender to it.

Now surrender doesn’t mean that you just throw up your hands and let life happen to you. It doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility to show up for yourself and for others. It just means letting go of the need to control everything. It means you don’t constantly question why why why – why is this happening to me? Why isn’t this happening enough? Why does everyone else have it better than me – why why why? Once you get into the energy of surrender you will accept what happens – or doesn’t happen – gracefully, with the knowledge that everything that happens in life is happening for your highest good.

Step three: Be love.

So now that you know you are a badass divine being with badass divine energy watching over you and leading you to a badass divine life, the next thing you need to do is, well, love.

Have you ever heard the expression that everything we do in life is motivated by fear or by love? It’s true. And so if you want to elevate your life and bring it from so-so to exactly what you want it to be, you need to embody love. Let your heart fill with love so much so that it’s oozing out of every pore. It bursts out of you. It shines like a halo around you. And you know what happens when you embody love so much so that you’re glowing? You attract more love. You attract people in your life who also embody love, and it naturally removes the people in your life who are bringing toxic energy. It transforms the way you interact with people so that your relationships become more loving. You will create an energetic force field of love around yourself that just attracts more and more love.

And how do you “be love”? it’s simple – more compassion, less judgment. Understand that we are all on the same journey and going through the same struggles, so fling compassion like glitter everywhere you go.

That asshole who cut you off in traffic and then gave you the finger? Feel compassion for the fact that he doesn’t have a better outlet for his feelings.

That frenemy who is talking shit behind your back? Feel compassion for the fact that she doesn’t feel able to express her issues to you directly. And then show compassion for yourself by removing her from your life.

Did you yell at your kids today? Fight with your mom? Order pizza for dinner (again) because you didn’t feel like cooking (again)? Show yourself compassion – you’re human. And every moment of your life is an opportunity to choose again.

And as far as judgment goes, there are two things I want you to remember.

The first is this: just as you are a perfect divine being who is a gift to this world, so too is everyone else who walks this planet. Yes, even Donald Trump – although I personally am not yet spiritually evolved enough to see how that is so. And so if we are all divine beings living a divinely guided life, no one is any worse than you – and no one is any better. Stop looking down on people for making choices you wouldn’t make and stop looking up to people – because that is judgment too.

The other thing I want you to remember is this: you are responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions. That’s it. Just yours. What other people say, how they think, and what they do is quite frankly none of your business. Release the need to form judgments or control it because it serves you no higher purpose. Just fling compassion at them and keep it moving.

 

 

Clear Your Mind of Can’t (The #1 reason I became a coach)

Clear Your Mind of Can’t (The #1 reason I became a coach)

Over the years I’ve gotten really good at practicing non-judgement. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do and it’s not my place to have an opinion about that. “Not my circus, not my monkeys” I like to say.

But at the same time, I’m a compassionate person and so when I see people doing things that hurt them or limit them or block their joy, it’s really hard not to have an opinion.

And the thing that drives me the most crazy is when people say “I can’t”.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not talking about people who genuinely cannot do whatever it is they’re talking about. I’m talking about when people are so caught up in limiting stories that they block themselves from doing or not doing something that could bring more freedom, more happiness, more love to their lives.

I hear this all the time – to be honest I probably even do it myself. Things like

“I can’t delete that toxic friend on Facebook”

“I can’t just eat one cookie”

“I can’t not go to that party”

“I can’t not do the dishes in my office kitchen”

It makes me absolutely CRAZY when I hear this and honestly, it’s probably the number one reason I became a coach – to help people lift up out of these stories and step into a life of authenticity.

Because when you probe a little bit and dig into people’s reasons why they can’t do this stuff, there’s always something external attached to it. It’s never about what they want – it’s about what they’ve been told is the right thing to do, what the other person’s reaction will be, what they believe themselves to be capable of. And it’s because we’re taught in this society that our needs and wants are not enough of a reason to do (or not do) something.

Well guess what? They are!

You cannot live a life of true peace and authenticity if other people’s needs, feelings, and reactions are more important than yours. And though you may think you’re being kind by swallowing your feelings and doing what you think you must, the truth is that continually forcing yourself to do shit you don’t want to do (or not allowing yourself to do what you want) only breeds resentment and judgement.

So if you find yourself in the energy of not being able to get out of doing shit you don’t want to do, here are 4 tips to clear your mind of “can’t”.

  1. Resist the urge to judge yourself 

So often, it’s our own judgment of our desires that keeps us from doing what feels right to us. We think it’s wrong to not want to go out for coffee when it’s pouring rain. We should deny ourselves that cookie to prove how disciplined we are. It’s not nice to delete someone from Facebook, even though I find their posts offensive.
All of this is judgement. And while we’ve all be taught that it’s wrong to judge others, the fact is that it’s just as wrong to do it to ourselves. Your needs, wants, desires, feelings are all valid. The way you feel can never be wrong. So if you genuinely feel like you don’t want to go to your random co-worker’s birthday party across town, honour that and let that guide your decision.

  1. Look at the big picture 

The things we deny ourselves (or force ourselves to do) are bigger than they seem. Forcing yourself to go somewhere when you don’t want to is about more than just a party, you’re saying to yourself “my comfort is not important”. Denying yourself a cookie is saying “I don’t deserve pleasure”. Doing the dishes in your office kitchen when you don’t want to and it’s not your job is saying “my work is less important than yours”.

On a micro level it might seem easier to just suck it up and do it, but on a macro level you’re sending yourself messages that are not conducive to living a life of love. AND you’re sending a dangerous message to the people around you who are taking their cues from you.

 

 

  1. Go into a bubble

 

What would you do if you lived in a bubble where no one could see and react to what you do?

 

My guess is that you would eat that cookie, delete that friend, skip that party, and sail right past that sink full of nasty co-worker dishes. And if that’s the case, then you know  already what you want to do.

 

It’s not your job to manage other people’s reactions. Your job is to have honourable intentions and live according to them. If someone is pissed because you skipped a party, that’s their shit, it’s not yours. So remove that as a factor in your decision-making and do what is right for you. That’s never the wrong thing to do.

 

 

 

Think You Don’t Deserve Love? A love letter to you

Think You Don’t Deserve Love? A love letter to you

Dear Beautiful Being,

I know you think you have to do good in order to be loved.

I know you think people only want to be around you for what they can get from you, or what you can do for them.

I know you believe that in order for you to “make up” for your “inadequacies”, you have to do more, give more, acquire more, and expect less.

I know you believe that you have to pay a price for love, for consideration, for kindness.

But I want you to know that none of that is true.

You are worthy of love. Exactly as you are. Stripped bare, without doing anything, giving anything, sacrificing anything, or being anything more than who you are, you are worthy of love.

You are worthy of love.

Because you are a reader and a writer.

You are worthy of love.

Because you suck at math and can’t tell time.

You are worthy of love.

Because you make the best scrambled eggs but absolutely suck at baking.

You are worthy of love.

Because your voice is a little bit too loud, your legs a little bit too short, and your smile lights up a room.

You are worthy of love.

For everything that you can do and everything that you can’t do.

For all that you are and all that you are not.

You are worthy of love because you are you.

And you are love.

Opening to Love

Opening to Love

Lately I’ve been feeling pulled into the energy of love.

Not the warm and fuzzy “we are all one” kind of love, but the romantic kind. The scary kind. The kind that I believed up until VERY recently I was never meant to have.

Love is something I generally do not spend a lot of time thinking about. Because like I said, up until only a couple of months ago I was convinced it was not in the cards for me. I don’t meditate about it, I don’t pray for it. I don’t daydream about it or wish for it. My attitude has been – it’s not going to happen, but if it does, it will have to happen on its own.

Then a few months ago a friend told me that I was looking for “on the couch” love. The kind of love that is present. Where your partner is in the trenches with you. Flopping down on the couch next to you when you FINALLY get the kids to sleep. Sitting next to you on the couch when you get the best news ever and the worst news ever. Falling asleep on the couch with you as you try to binge watch all of House of Cards in one night because you forgot you were old.

You want someone who will be right there with you through everything. You’ve never had that, but that’s what you’re looking for now. she said.

I said – I’m not looking for anything at all.

Oh yes you are, she said. You’re just doing it wrong.

She said my approach to finding love is the equivalent of sitting in a coffee shop, ordering nothing, and looking around getting frustrated because everyone else is getting coffee and WHERE IS MINE?

Are you asking? She asked me. Are you specifying? Or are you sitting there asking for “just coffee” when what you really want is a grande venti extra hot no whip half sweet macchiato?

You gotta articulate, she said. Write it down, meditate on it, and manifest it.

We left it at that and I moved on with my life. Then all of a sudden, one day last week something shifted.

I’m generally not super in tune with my chakras but I felt my heart chakra crack right open. All of a sudden there was this…expanse in me that I just know is meant to be filled with love. It’s not a feeling of lack, so much as a feeling of a resevoir of love to give.

I’ve been trying to ignore it. I’m not ready, I tell myself. I need to focus.  I have important things that need my attention and starting to fart around with love will only distract me. When things settle down maybe I’ll start to make a list of what I’m looking for but for now. I don’t want anything to get in the way of what I’m trying to accomplish.

But then, quiet as a church mouse, a voice inside me whispered – but what if love helped you do what you’re trying to do. What if love wasn’t an anchor weighing you down but the wings that help you soar?

And so dammit all to hell I’m making the list. I’ve started jotting down the qualities that my ideal partner has, just in case I do decide that the time is right to manifest him. But I’m not happy about it.

Who feels me on this? Ever had a war between what your head is telling you and what your inner light is telling you, even though you know your inner light is always right? Who else is out there manifesting a perfect partner? Share your list and I’ll share mine!

 

 

Let’s be Better Together

Let’s be Better Together

So you guys may have noticed that I’m kinda inconsistent.

I wake up every morning with the very best of intentions and then things just…go left.

It’s a huge problem when you’re trying to build a coaching practice or create a love movement. People need to be able to depend on me, right? Right. So while procrastination is never a very useful thing, it’s absolutely not the move for me right now. And yet…if I told you the number of ridiculous, unimportant things I did between the time that I typed the first sentence of this post and when I typed the last one, you would want to spank me. And not in the good way.

Anyway. I’m always looking for tools and methods to help me, and the other day I was chatting with some of my B-School buddies when someone mentioned Gretchen Rubin’s book Better Together. So I instantly went on Amazon to get it and discovered something even better: The Better Together Daily Journal!

See the thing with me and books is I will read it. I will nod my head vigorously and write copious notes. But will I actually do it? Not so much. I just forget!

But with a journal it’s a bit easier. I have a space to write it down and check boxes for each habit, each day. Who doesn’t love check boxes?

I’m challenging myself to conquer this bad habit and adopt some new ones once and for all and I think it would be a super fun thing for us to do together a mob! (well maybe not super fun, but we’ll bond, and that’s pretty good too).

So I’m launching our first-ever Love Mob Challenge! I’ll post the details later this week, so keep your eyes on the blog for full challenge details coming on Thursday! You can also subscribe to the Love Mob newsletter and be notified when the challenge launches, or follow me on
Instagram so you don’t miss out.

In the meantime, check out the video below for a sneak peek at the journal

Let’s get ready to be better!
(you have to say it in the “let’s get ready to rumble” voice or else it’s not funny)

xo Maxie

Maxie’s Story

Maxie’s Story

I am a big sister.

Yes, big in the sense of being older than my sister, but also big in the sense of size, of wrongness, of not fitting.
Growing up I was the bigger sister so everything was my responsibility or my fault.

Being the bigger sister meant doing extra work because my delicate little sister couldn’t possibly have been expected to do it.

Is it any wonder then that I ended up a disordered eater? Probably not. Probably – even though in my head my way of eating was designed to keep me from getting sick – what I was really doing was trying to make myself small. I think somewhere in my child’s brain I made the connection that to be worthy – of care, of consideration, of people doing things for me – I needed to be small. To be frail, young, delicate. I needed to be something other than I was.

That feeling of otherness, of wrongness, of being too big for the space I was allotted has followed me my whole life.

I’ve always been the misfit – whether it was being the only Black girl in an all-white class, or the friend everyone forgot to invite to the party, the only one at the table not eating, the only one at the club not drinking – I just always felt that I didn’t belong. That I’d always have to morph myself in some way to fit in. Play small, play rough, play funny – be anyone other than who I was if I wanted to be accepted.

Of course, when you spend your whole life contorting yourself to fit into any given situation you wind up having no idea who you really are. What do you like when you like whatever your friends like? What do you believe when you’re playing for a crowd? I didn’t know. And I didn’t fucking care. Anything that was authentically me was going to be wrong, because I just did not know how to get it right with people.

That’s the story I was told for years. By the people around me, yes. But most often and most emphatically by myself.

And what happened when I spent my life trying to morph into my surroundings? I drifted. From job to job, friends to clubs to relationships that hurt. And I’d tell that tiny little voice in the back of my head saying “wait. I don’t believe this. I don’t want this. This hurts!” to shut the fuck up because nothing that ever came out of me has been right like, ever. And so I drifted on.

I figured out the touchpoints that would make me popular with people. If I was the helper, the giver, the clown. If was the one with the nice clothes and the nice cars and if I was sexually liberated and had a cool job with my own employees and an office and words like “Senior” and “Director” and “VP” in my title, I would be worth loving. And so I started shooting for that stuff. And every time I hit another rung on the ladder to acceptance I kept waiting. Expecting that this would be the thing that would make my outside match my inside. That this would be the thing that made me feel satisfied, feel that joy of getting what I wanted.

Except that feeling never came.

Because I’d forgotten that what I’d been chasing all my life had nothing to do with who I was and what I wanted. I was chasing acceptance. I didn’t know that it comes from within.

And then it all came crashing down. I got fired for the second time in a year – from a job that I hated so much that it made me physically ill, but I didn’t care because it hit all my checkboxes for success and acceptability and all of a sudden it was gone and I was a failure and a fuck up and I had to start the shit all over again.

Except this time, that little voice inside me said – Enough. That voice that had been throwing everything it could get its hands on at me from illness to heartbreak to disappointment for years to get me to pay attention. That voice that was getting quieter after years of not being listened to gathered itself up and with every last breath of energy it had said

“Max! I’m in here! Let me out! It’s me – your true self – did you forget that I was here? Don’t make me do any more of this dumb shit. IT’S NOT WORKING!”

And it was so loud and jarring and it wouldn’t shut the fuck up and leave me in peace to look for another cool job and so I had no choice but to start listening. And finally – finally – at 40 years old, I woke the fuck up.

It wasn’t easy though. That little spark of myself that I finally remembered was still there inside me, still fiery and brilliant but it was buried way behind a brick wall.

And every brick of that wall was a choice I had made in the name of acceptance, a need I had denied myself because I didn’t think I was worthy.

Every brick was a wound, a false belief, a story I was told, someone else’s bullshit opinion of me that I took on as fact because who was I to say they were wrong? Every time in my life I had tamped myself down to fit in had turned into the bricks that had trapped the light of who I really was way deep down inside me.

So I began. The slow, painful, scary, confronting, confusing, triggering work of taking down that brick wall. And with each thought I examined and discarded, each limiting belief I released, each long-held opinion I questioned, the bricks came down and the light got a tiny bit brighter and my true voice got a tiny bit louder.

The first bricks were kind of easy. It wasn’t that hard to break through opinions that I already kinda knew were bullshit. But as I kept digging, getting down to the bricks that had been there since my childhood, that were built on the stories my family and the people closest to me had told, they got tougher to break down.

But. As my light got brighter it began to guide me. It led me to o a group of strangers who were demoing their own walls. Who listened to my story and shared theirs and quickly became friends who understood me better than anyone ever had in my life. And the thing that was really crazy was that they loved me. Really loved me in this astounding way. Because they weren’t seeing all my stuff – my nice clothes and my shoe game on fleek, and my adorable twins, and my impressive resume. They saw me – bedraggled, sweaty and struggling, breaking down a 40-year-old wall brick by brick with my bare soul. And they loved me. And even though they had their own demolition to do, they even rolled up their sleeves and helped me break down some bricks; loving me and cheering me on as more and more of who I really am started to emerge.

This really kinda fucked me up because it wasn’t how it’s supposed to be. This wasn’t the life I had learned, the story I was told. People who loved me even when I wasn’t pretending? People who saw me stripped of my style and grooming and thought I was beautiful? People who knew all the mistakes I had made and still thought I was powerful? It didn’t seem right. But my inner me lapped it up and it became fuel for my own self-love. It gave that inner me who was starting to emerge from the rubble a voice that was loud enough to say “This. This is it. This is right. Go toward this.”

And I listened.

I learned more tools – yoga and prayer and meditation and music. I found teachers, articles, videos, that helped me break down those last few bricks. And then one day I felt this great tremendous crash! from deep inside me and I knew it was the sound of the last brick coming down and there was no longer a teeny tiny spark of the real me hidden behind a wall – there was only one me. A beautiful integrated loving and lovable seeker who is generous and compassionate and curious and who is a marvel of a human being ready to finally step into the life I’ve been waiting to live for forty fucking years.

I created the love mob because the experience I had with a group of strangers going through the same thing together and supporting each other saved my life.

I truly don’t know what would have happened had I not been led to this group of beautiful beings who were there when I needed my new sensibilities to be validated. Who propped me up when I struggled and said yes, I understand. I know this is confusing. But it’s true. You are loveable. You are worth the struggle. Your feelings and your opinions matter and you deserve everything you want in life. And who also allowed me to be there for them. Who let me see that the love and care and generosity that had always been in my heart was welcomed, was needed. Who lifted my heart by allowing me to lift theirs. I believe that if I had never found this tribe to walk that road with I would have given up. And I want every single person who is facing down the daunting task of tearing down their own brick wall to have a squad to help them just as I did.

xoMax